Baby Daddy 39: The Vengeful Pooper

I'm BAAAACK!!!!!! Holy shit was October a helluva month! Between the kiddo growing, several major deadlines at work, several major application deadlines for students, and my Professional Engineering exam, I was fucking worked! And with that, I am ready to (hopefully) bring this bitch back online!

So how should I start? With my son! The Boy Beast Wonder is amazing! I will call him the Boy Beast, but I will not call him the BBW. Why? Because Googling BBW yields highly inappropriate material that will get me fired from at least one of my jobs. BUT! My son is ALREADY WALKING! Eight months old, and the child wants to walk and run everywhere! He only takes a few steps, of course, before he decides it is time to run. Because he hasn't quite learned to run, he then face-plants to the floor. That's okay though! He even said his first word: "Hello". Adele would be so damn proud!

In other news, my son has learned a new trick. If you read through many of my past posts, you will see where I lament over my son being constipated. I am proud and terrified to say that this is no longer a concern. Quite the contrary, our son has learned a new trick. If we put him down for a nap, and he decided he doesn't want one, then he will stand-up, stare at the baby monitor, dip his hips *grunt*, "WAAAHHH!"

Yes, that's right. My son will poo. He is a spiteful, vengeful pooper. Now I know what you are thinking. Surely it is just coincidence, right? No! He does it out of spite! How do I know? Because he did it three times in one day! Every single time. Crib. Stand. Dip. Grunt. Poo. Cry.

After a while, I actually started to worry about his colon. That is a whole helluva lot of movement for such a tiny body. Of course, that much poo-poo is also exhausting. We gave him a bath after the third poo, and that child damn near passed-out in the water. I actually think he may have made an effort to poo, but was just too tired to do so, and tuckered himself out.

Moral of the Story: My son is the Boy Beast Wonder, and has engaged in bio-warfare against us.

What the Shit, China? 8: Pooping

I'm going to China, bitches! I know, I know, I have not posted in a long-ass time. With that said, I am expecting my schedule to open up considerably in November. With that said, I'm going to China!!!

Now why is this exciting? Because it's fucking China! Why is this terrifying? Because they don't have toilets. That's right. My wife's family does, but many places do not. Do you have any idea what that looks like? Here, take a look:

It looks like bullshit, that's what. Check that out! You just fucking squat over a hole. And look at that trash can! Who the fuck puts tissue-paper (toilet paper??) in the fucking trash can?! I thought this was a joke, but no! It's real! They even have fucking instructions for how to use it!

No wonder Chinese people are so good at squatting! They do it all the time! On a side note, instruction drawing has their squat form on point. But still! And what if someone doesn't know how to aim? What if they are off to the side? What if someone has explosive diarrhea? Have you thought of that?! I've had authentic Chinese food. It is delicious, and spicy as hell! Eat a "See You Tomorrow" mushroom and you are going to blow the stall UP! I mean, seriously! Do they have a mop or something for after? And what if there are multiple stalls? Do they have doors?

Check out this bathroom! They have no stall doors. Everyone can just poop in the open. I do not want to walk in to see another man's hang-down, or their butt-hole. Based on the illustration, I am guaranteed to see something unpleasant. And again, WHAT IF YOU MISS?!?!?!

At least this bathroom has dividing walls. That way you don't need to worry about someone blowing it up and landing on you. "Hey Frank, how's it going?" "Not bad Steve, how about you?" "I was doin' alright, but man that hot-pot is messing with me..." *brrrr-rap-ap-ap-ap-ap-splat* "Oh, what the fuck, Steve!"

Nobody fucking wants that!! Talk about making for the worst bathroom etiquette. In the US, you just make sure not to talk to anybody or look at anybody. In China, you have to literally worry about nobody pooping on you.

As it is, I'm just hoping I can get some Charmin when I arrive. I don't know if I am allowed to bring toilet paper on a plane. If not, then I got a problem. Last thing I want is to poop in front of people, and then use government issue toilet tissue. I don't know if Communist TP is the same as ours, but I have never seen a government facility with nice toilet paper. If it is a school, they use that single-ply bullshit. If it is an actual government facility, then it's single ply cardboard. Why? Because the government want to make sure that you have a bleeding butt-hole, and shit on your hands.

Moral of the Story: I'm going to China in February. Also, I'mma be constipated for several weeks.