Baby Daddy 9: What's In A Name?

As you may or may not know, depending on if you keep up with my posts, my wife and I are having a son. If you did not know, finish reading this and then read the rest of my posts. In fact, fuck that. Go through my posts and read the Baby Daddy series from the beginning. I never read what I write, so I cannot guarantee that it will be worth reading. But at least you'll be caught up. I'll wait.......

.......Caught up? Good. Fuck you. I know you didn't go back and read those posts. Lying sumbitch. I don't care, I'mma keep going.

With the news of our pending son, my wife and I began looking at what names we could give the child. Now while we have an idea, we are not going to share it. Why? Because we have commitment issues and don't want to be pinned down. But that is not what we are talking about today. Today, I am talking about nicknames. In particular, the fucked up nicknames. And in particular, the Chinese nicknames. 

Now not all Chinese nicknames are fucked up. My wife's Chinese friends call me 犹太姐夫(pronounced: Yóutài jiěfū). They do not always include the Yóutài part, but they always call me jiěfū. What does it mean? Essentially "Jewish Brother-In-Law". That's right, I have been adopted by my wife's Chinese friends as an in-law. And they are much like those in the South, and have adopted me as "their Jew". And that's a great way to be. It's like finding a four-leaf clover. I'm so rare that people care about me and want to make sure I am okay. I'm not quite as rare as a unicorn, but at least as rare and a Jew in the South or a Jew in a group of Chinese people. But I digress...

With our boy on the way, everyone is coming up with names and nicknames for the child. My father-in-law came up with two. The first one, we like: "Little Tiger". It is great. It is strong, and adorable. The other, is a little less so: "Fart-Ball". And I am not certain, but I think it is more literally translated to be "Fart-Testicle". Now I know what you may be thinking, "What the sweet fuck?" Well let me explain. In my wife's hometown, there used to be a high mortality rate in children. As a result, parents started nicknaming their kids with fucked up names. The reason was twofold. First, they thought it might ward off the Evil Eye. Second, it is very hard to mourn for someone nicknamed "Chicken Dick". And so following this trend, my father-in-law wants to have a discouraging nickname to keep the Evil Eye off our son.

Now, upon hearing this, I immediately asked my wife about her nickname. As it turns out, I married "Dog-Testicle". I do not quite understand why my father-in-law is obsessed with testicles, but evidently he is. But even so, this is common for that region of China. Even their terms of endearment are fucked up. One day, when I was stitching a hole in a sock, my mother-in-law told my wife, "You dog-fucker, that should be your job." Evidently it is fairly common for my mother-in-law to lovingly call my wife a mother fucker. Who knew? My wife's friend was talking, and said that she is routinely called a Son of Turtle. I don't even know what that fucking means. It's funny though. And so that's it. I just thought I would share that China has fucked up nicknames.

Moral of the Story: I would rather our son be known as "Little Tiger" than "Fart-Testicle".

Baby Daddy 8: Chinese Chicken Soup

You know, it is never a dull day when you have a pregnant wife. Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, I was telling my wife about my day. As I am getting ready to jump in bed, I see her lower lip start to pout. She warned me that she was having a hormonal swing, and then started balling her eyes out. I asked what was wrong, and she said she wanted chicken soup. Now, having broth and chicken in the house, I immediately jumped up to prepare some. At that point, my wife said, "No, I don't want white people chicken soup. I want good soup. From China."

Now, I did not realize that there were that many versions of chicken soup. I knew there were different brands, but it never occurred to me that the flavor would change to match the country/culture of origin. Unfortunately, I only know how to make white people chicken soup. I know Jewish style chicken soup, but that still constituted as being white people soup. I then did the next best thing. I learned how to ask my mother-in-law for her recipe to make chicken soup. 

Now this is where I made a critical calculation error. I did not account for the fact that she would give me the recipe and instructions in Chinese. Her response time was fantastic, but I literally had no idea what she was saying. I recognized the word "chicken", but that was it. My wife heard the message, and began laughing maniacally. My wife then messaged her mother, asking if she realized that I did not understand Chinese well enough to know what she said.

My mother-in-law then replied with, "Of course he doesn't know! He shouldn't be cooking anyway!". My wife's mother then told her, "You mother fucker, why are you making him cook? You know he can't cook well. Don't be lazy." Yes, that's right. My wife's mother called her a mother fucker, and insulted my cooking. And to be fair, I cannot cook authentic Chinese food. And to be fair, China has some colorful nicknames. My wife immediately burst out laughing, and was magically over her downswing.

Moral of the Story: I don't know how to cook Chinese Chicken Soup.

Baby Daddy 7: Sleepless Nights

GOOOOOOOOD MOOOOORRRRNIIIIIING!! Yes I am posting this in the morning. In fact, I write most of my stories in the morning. Why? So that I can deliver the best content I have while my brain is fresh. That's right, this is the best shit I can come up with. Aren't you sad, now? Well good. So am I. Not really.

I would like to start by saying that my wife's cat is either the most helpful cat in the world, or the biggest dick in the world. As you know, my wife and I are expecting a child. In fact, we are expecting a boy. And as you know, or may not know, I don't know, at least not yet, babies suck for sleep. From what I understand, the odds are high that our new addition will be up at all hours of the night. On the one hand, I have cycles where I do not sleep much either. I wake up in the middle of the night, or in the early morning, and I never get back to a full sleep.

Speaking of which, the other night I woke up in the night to go to the bathroom. First, this is how I know that I am getting older. My wife gets up in the night to use the bathroom, but she has a tumor pressing on her bladder. And yes, I just referred to my boy as a tumor. Until he's removed, I will maintain that he is a sexually transmitted tumor. The good thing is this tumor comes out on his own. Which is really for the best. People look at you like your crazy when you start getting chemotherapy in the second trimester. "But that's bad for the baby!" You don't know!! Our kid could become the Incredible Hulk! But will we ever find out? No. And that's the shame of it. Our kid will never be able to fulfill his potential for saving the world and losing his temper. I blame Obama. And Bush. And science.

But I digress. The other night, I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I know I am getting older, because this is happening more and more. Either that, or my bladder has somehow synchronized with my wife's. And that was the unfortunate part about it. I woke up, went into the bathroom, and saw my wife there. Now why was that unfortunate? Because I have shitty vision without my glasses, and it is worse in the dark. In my half-sleep stupor, I walked into a bathroom to see a random-ass person staring back at me. The fact that I did not pee on myself, right there in the hallway, is a goddamn miracle. My wife, on the other hand, was simultaneously disappointed and thrilled. On the one hand, she was happy that I did not go into defense mode. On the other hand, she found out that my defense mode is to scream like a girl and nearly pee myself. I don't know if that would be a good defensive strategy against an intruder, or not....

But back to my story. Why is the cat either very helpful or a tremendous dick? Because he has started simulated what it will be like to have a baby. For the past several nights, he has decided to wake my ass up at 2 AM. In fact, on Sunday, he used his middle claw - the "Fuck You" claw - to wake me up at this time. I try to force myself to go back to sleep, but I invariably end up wide awake around 5 AM, which is my normal alarm. This cat will then follow me down stairs, binge eat (because he evidently refuses to eat alone at night), and will then proceed to puke up his recently eaten food. The cat will then stare at me like, "Well? Are you going to clean this shit up, 'Daddy'?" And so then I go and clean up his goddamn mess. Now on the one hand, I have to appreciate that this may very well be my life with the baby. On the other hand, my hostility toward the cat is rising in exponential proportion to the lack of sleep I get.

Moral of the Story: Our cat is an asshole and I will be useless during a home invasion.