Baby Daddy 49: Talking Shit and Bags of Dicks

IT'S OCTOBER!!!!!!

I have taken so long to post that I thought it was 2019. With that said, I am posting this shit before I forget. You know, there are few things I love more than absurdity in public. Another thing I like is profanity in public. Admit it you. There is something gratifying when you see a situation, think "damn that sucks", and suddenly hear the person in the situation say, "damn that sucks." It's great!

Well boy has it been an exciting time. First, I want to share a special experience that happened with my family. You see, my son goes to preschool on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I have night classes on Wednesday, from 5pm until 10pm. That means that on Wednesday, I do not get to see my son much. To help with this, my folks offered to take care of the kiddo on Wednesdays. The premise is simple. They pick him up, play with him, bring him to my office for lunch, and take him home. During that time, my wife works and I get to see the kiddo.

Well, a few weeks ago, my folks came across a book: Toddlers Are Assholes. And in this book, you get a very candid view of parenthood. Imagine the Baby Daddy series in book form. Now imagine it longer, and let me know if you would buy it. If so, I'll print it. But I digress.

In that book, however, the author uses special language. At one point they suggest that someone (a neighbor?) can eat a giant bag of dicks. Of course, I'm sitting in a car and I read this out loud, and my folks hear it. They have my sense of humor, and my mother starts laughing her ass off. My father, who is standing outside of the car, says, "What?"

So I repeat my self, "...a giant bag of dicks."

"A bag of what?"

"Dicks."

"What?"

"DICKS!!!"

Yes, my father was struggling to hear and I ended up yelling "DICKS" as loud as I could. Judging from the stares people shot our direction, I don't think they appreciated the humor as much. I know my mother didn't, as she slowly leaned the seat back to avoid being seen.

BUT!

That is not the purpose of this story! The purpose of this story is that we are working to help my son talk! We think he is pretty damn close to talking, and we are trying to give him that extra nudge. Yesterday, I decided to take him with me to the clinic. Now, that alone was harmless. He made it 90 minutes into a two hour wait, before he lost patience. Even so, that was okay. One woman judged me for letting the kid throw a phone that had an Otterbox case. She said I was, "reinforcing bad habits". I figure he made it 90 goddamn minutes without running away, stealing other people's shit, or screaming. If he wants to throw a phone - particularly one that I am okay with him throwing - then that woman can kindly fuck off. Plus, he didn't throw it in the water...

But that STILL is not what I am writing about. I am writing about the fact that we are trying to get my son to talk more. In particular, he decided to climb up on a chair and sit down. That's reasonable. I then did what seemed like a reasonable thing, and said "sit". That makes sense, right? He sat down, I said "sit", he would start to know that what "sit" means. What I did not expect was for him to try to repeat the word. Or the fact that he has not mastered the "sss" sound. That's right, he uses "sh" for the "sss" sound. And in that one moment, the entire waiting area heard my son say "shit".

Now most parents would have been mortified. Not me, though. I started laughing. Do you know why? One, it's funny. He said "shit", people looked, and I laughed. They looked at me, and I laughed harder. The other reason why I laughed? Because I know he didn't learn that shit from me. Anyone who knows me knows that I almost exclusively us the word "fuck". In fact, I love the word "fuck" so much that I want to create a dictionary of colorful uses for the word "fuck". Not just any dictionary, but a coloring book dictionary! "Color in with Colorful Language". That sounds like a fantastic tagline. And for the special release, everyone gets a bag of dicks.

Moral of the Story: My father couldn't hear me yell "DICKS" across the parking lot. My son said "shit", and I laughed. Oh, and I have my next big marketing idea.

Baby Daddy 42: The Father's Code

So the funny thing, when I wrote my last story, I had no intention of writing that story. I just happened to slip into a random-ass rant. I originally wanted to write this story, about my kid and being a father. It is 2018, now, and I realized that fatherhood is fucking weird. And what makes it weirder is that only fathers understand. I mean, I used to see internet memes. I used to watch TV. I used enjoy things. Then I had a child. Now I don't. Ha! That's a joke. Not really.

But what I was going to say, is that I used to understand the theory behind parenthood and fatherhood humor. With that said, I never appreciated the accuracy of it. Example: Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW). A week or so ago, my wife and I met my folks at BWW. We're there, we're relaxing, and we realized that we forgot the baby at home, sleeping. That's a lie. But a funny one, right?! Ha! Not really....but ha!

But, I digress. While we are all spending time at BWW, I take a moment to visit the restroom. As I open the door, I hear a kid scream and see a father changing his son's diaper. The father starts to apologize, and I immediately laugh and cut him off. I tell him that I understand, and that I am just waiting for my kiddo to follow suit. The guy immediately starts laughing and says, "it is something else, isn't it?" I laugh and say, "Absolutely."

As I finish up, the kid starts doing this boneless death role that EVERY FUCKING KID KNOWS. If you didn't know why they have a strap on the baby changing station, it's because of older babies. Infants don't move. They can't. Once a kid can role, crawl, or run, however, you are officially fucked. The kid screams, the father says, "Calm down, Little Man!", and I comment about the fact that nobody likes to be tied up on their back....at least not at that age. The father laughs, and we go separate ways. At the end of the night, when I am leaving with the family, the guy hollers over, "I hope you get home before he goes!" I laugh and let him know that I will be breaking all traffic laws to insure we get home clean.

And that is the thing. A lot of people are going to read this and think, "Hahaha, that's kinda funny." And every mother is going to read this and think, "What's so special about that?" And every father is going to read this and say, "TRUTH!!!!" It is the weirdest fucking thing. And I will be walking down the street, holding the kid, and I see the difference. You see old people, fawning over the child because he is adorable. You see kids look at the child, and get excited about a potential playmate. Then you see people our age. And I can immediately tell who has kids. Those with kids will smile, nod, and they know. You see that look in their eye. It's the look of someone that has weathered a storm, or is preparing to. That storm? A shit storm. Because holy shit do babies poop!

Then you see the people our age that don't have kids. Half the women start fawning over the child, because their clock is ticking. The men have a look of fear - similar to a deer in the headlights. I was walking in a Walmart once, and I saw to guys stop by the condom aisle. That just so happens to be the same aisle as half the baby supplies. It's almost like Walmart is saying, "Hey, bruh! If you don't use this (prophylactic), you're going to need that (diapers)!" I saw the kids walk off, and I really wanted to go up and let them know that the exorbitant cost of the condoms was less than half the cost of the bulk item diapers and baby food I had in the cart.

Of course, as I chuckled and shook my head, another father walked by and said, "Those dumb motherfuckers."

Moral of the Story: Fatherhood is weird, and it's like a secret club. Literally anyone and everyone can witness it, but until you are in, you don't know. Oh, and those kids will likely contribute to the teen pregnancy epidemic.