Motherfucking China 5: Russian News Stations

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW!  I haven't written much lately. It's weird. You would think I could just whip a story out on a whim. As it turns out, no. No I cannot. See, what comes across as a random-ass story, or what comes across as me free-stylin' (hip-hop lingo), is actually something I spend time on. As the founder of Fucktosynthesis, I regret to say that I actually do give a few fucks, with regard to my content. All because of YOU. The readers. Assholes....making me care and shit.....anyway.

I WAS IN CHINA! And while I was in China, I had a phenomenal awakening to Communist media. First of all, did you know they have their own network? I didn't. I was flipping through stations, when it suddenly went from Chinese Spring Festival shows to fucking Russian News. It was weird as shit. First of all, it damn near snapped me out of knowing any Chinese. I heard, "Да, спасибо" and damn near forgot what I was saying.

That alone was not bad. What was bad, however, was that Russian News is EXACTLY what you expect it to be. It was almost all military in nature. I mean, it makes sense, because that's how I expect it would work: 

"And now with weather, Boris. Boris?"

"Thank you Alekcie. Today sky is grey with chance of bomb."

There was a piece about fucking rockets, and another on tanks. Evidently, Russia has decided to invest in some black tanks, and one green one. Evidently they decided that they wanted to be able to show a little bit of dirt, and that their lives are not as grey as previously perceived. Also, literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON was named Alekcie. Why? I am honestly asking. "Why hello, Alex, I'll take Communism for 500, please."

Fortunately there was  one story that was different. This one showed soldier riding reindeer around a track. And by track, I mean the small-ass pin that the reindeer were normally kept in. It was like they saw, or rather heard, about the movie Reindeer Games, and said, "You see, we also have reindeer game. Look at reindeer. Ours has best antler. Very big horn."

I don't know what is worse: the fact that I saw all of this, or the fact that I literally just realized that the voice in my head poking fun at Russians is the same that imitates fucking Donald Trump. On a side note, fuck that guy for all of his bullshit. Fucking pawn. 

Moral of the Story: I have more stories coming, and Russia's reindeer games are on point. Also, good for them for getting new colors.

Motherfucking China 4: The Cat Cafe

I'm BACK! I know I had more stories to share, but I fucking dumped on my experience at Starbucks. But let me tell you, that was not my only experience with coffee. Oh no, I had another. Be ready. And so.....

Let me tell you about Valentine's day. It was awesome! My wife and I rode a tandem bike around the Xi'an City Wall. After we finished, we started walking along one of the business districts. As we were walking, we noticed a store front with five cats on the front.

Now, if country-western movies have taught me nothing, it is that a sign with cats on the front is a whore house. When my wife said, "Hey, let's go in", I was considerably surprised. As it turns out, the place was a Cat Cafe. No, not the naughty cat, but a legitimate cat cafe. I will say, I had heard that these existed. I did not, however, expect to see one in China. We go in, and it is a quaint little area. Now before you ask, no. Cat was not served for food. On the contrary, the cats were just roaming around.

As for the cafe, itself, I loved it. it was the first time I ever went to a coffee shop that had liquor. My wife ordered a mojito that beat the pants off of half the U.S. bars I have gone to. I ordered an espresso with Irish Cream. Why? Because it's delicious and I was on a major caffeine and alcohol bender. And for anyone who says, "the caffeine and alcohol are conflicting stimulants and depressants" can go fuck themselves. The drinks, though tasty, are not the reason for the story.

No, the story is about the fucking Cat Cafe. In the back of the menu, after your ordered your drink of choice, they showed the pictures of the cats. As it turns out, you actually could request a cat. The owners would then bring that cat out, so that it could sit on your lap. So I guess, in a way, it was a whore house. It was just a different type of pussy.  One that is far more resentful of people.....I assume....

Anyway, I thought it was only appropriate that I share the menu and the immediate caption that popped into my head:

"It's My First Time"

"I'm Nervous, But Excited"

"Paint Me Like One Of Your French Girls"

"Fucking Amateurs"

"Where Am I? Don't Touch Me!

"We Charge Double"

Moral of the Story: My wife and I went to a Cat House in China for Valentin'es Day. The drinks were strong, the pussy (cats) were bitter, and the experience made me chuckle. Also, this is the first time that my wife and I have ever written the same story for our respective readers.

Motherfucking China 3: Starbucks (Part 4)

This is the last of the Starbucks stories. With that said, DJ Khaled....

 

So I have shared about the best Starbucks coffee. I have shared about my wife and her friend. I have shared about possibly taking 10 years off the lives of patrons behind me in line. This is the last story, and it may be relatively short.

When I went to my first China Starbucks, I was also looking for something to eat. 'Lo and behold, I saw something that I could not wait to try: a "Mexican Turkey Tortilla". Yes, I was in China, and I had found a Mexican dish. I could not wait to give it a try. I was leery, but hopeful to see the Chinese take on Mexican food.

I ordered the dish, took it to the table, and readied myself. Now, I should have known better than to get my hopes up. First of all, China doesn't have Mexicans. Second of all, China is racist as shit. Now the racism has literally nothing to do with this story, but it is still noteworthy.

No, I should have been worried when the salsa looked like tomato sauce, and the cheese looked like mozzarella. And indeed, that's what they were. In fact, there was also a distinct taste of basil and oregano. And the tortilla was crispy and flat. Does this sound familiar? Because it should. It was a motherfucking PIZZA! Yes, that's right. Everything that China labels as "Mexican" food has a flavor profile for Italian food.

Now to be fair, the pizza was delicious. At the same time, it was pizza. I mean, surely someone, somewhere in China, traveled to a country with Mexican food, ate said Mexican food, and then returned to China. And how can they not replicate the flavor?! Chili powder and cumin. Those two flavors alone are closer than any of the "Mexican" foods that I tried in China.

Moral of the Story: I don't know who I am more pissed at. China, for thinking that Mexican food tastes like Italian, or America for not having pizza at Starbucks.