Baby Daddy 45: Bye Felicia

YEEEESSSS!!!!! I have been waiting for SO LONG to get another Baby Daddy story. I know what you may be thinking, "Where has this motherfucker gone? Has he up and left his family?" The answer is no. Quite the opposite, in fact; I have been focusing more on them.

But with all of this, the reality is that home life has settled down. The biggest bit of news was that my son started talking. We don't know what the fuck he is saying, but he won't stop telling us. We think he may be speaking Chinese? That would make more sense than English, with how much interaction he spends with my wife on the daily.

With that said, we had something new happen! We recently had some friends over, and they brought their daughter - Felicia. Now Felicia is not her real name, so don't try to find her. What makes me happy is that Felicia is 12 months old -- just two months younger than my kid. What also makes me happy is that they started to interact.

Now I love to watch human interaction. And watching to toddlers is the best, because it is unfiltered. While they were playing, Felicia would often stick her hand out to grab my son's hair. Now I did not have a terrible issue with this, so long as she was gentle; in all but one situation, she was. While Felicia was trying to interact with my kid, her parents were fretting over her being too aggressive with it. At one point, her father leaned in to explain that she cannot be aggressive or a bully. It just so happens that he did this as she was swinging her arm, and smacked him in the face.

Again, with all of this, I was fairly neutral. My kid was doing alright, and Felicia was doing alright. The biggest issue was with the grown-ups. Everytime Felicia would reach out, they would yell "no". My kid is not accustomed to people yelling, and would start looking to see if he was the one in trouble. The adults would all look very serious, and my kid would cry. I was the only one who wasn't serious, so he would then run to hug me.

Now at one point, my kid was pretty damn happy. He was being held my my wife, and he and I were alternating laughs. He does this thing where he gives a guttural cackle/laugh, and then waits for it to be reciprocated. He and I were going back and forth a bit, and then briefly stopped. During that pause, Felicia tripped and fell. My son then chose that exact moment to start laughing again. That's right, my son was getting hit in the face, waited for Felicia to fall and cry, and then started laughing again! We chalked it up to be that it was just awkward timing, but I suspect he actually enjoyed the humor/vengeance.

Those friends eventually left, and we went back to our normal routine. It was interesting to see how differently they were raising Felicia, compared to how we raise our kid. They seemed very analytical and somewhat like you'd expect from Chinese parents. Conversely, we are raising our kid with a hybrid of the Chinese and American system. We let our son watch educational television. We let him run and play and explore everything. We feed him as much as we can, while trying to keep it healthy. And we focus on making sure he is happy.

That is not to say that our friends are not trying to keep their little girl happy. It is simply to say that we have a very different approach to it all. I cannot speak for my wife, but I know that I seem a bit more relaxed around our kid. I am strict when it is necessary, but otherwise I let him go. I guess we'll see what happens when he grows up.

Moral of the Story: Different parents have different approaches, and my son may have a new friend. Also, my son laughed at someone after they fell. That's what you get for grabbing his hair, bitch. Sorry about that bitch part. That was too much. But still, that's what you get.

Motherfucking China 3: Starbucks (Part 2)

Normally I would like to have a better segue into the next story, but I don't. So fuck it, here's another story about Starbucks in China. One of my favorite experiences iwas when my wife and I got coffee with one of her friends. For this story, I will call him Kobra. As in "Kobra-Kai". That's not his name, but I don't know how to type his actual name into English. That's a lie. I do, but I respect privacy and shit.

Anyway, Kobra had taken my wife and I to see a variety of different historical sites in Xi'an, finishing with the Big Goose Pagoda. As it turns out, the area around the Big Goose Pagoda is lit as fuck. They literally call it Xi'an Vegas. For the Spring Festival, they had a parade and lights and music and a fuck-tonne of celebration. As we were walking, we decided to stop for tea at Starbucks. Why? Because it was one of the only places open.

When we go in, my wife decides to order for everyone. She goes up to the register, and starts to order in Chinese. There was one drink, however, that the barista did not recognize. As my wife points him in the direction of where we were sitting, and where the drink listing was, the barista sees me. Evidently, he just assumed I spoke English. Racist.

Anyways, the barista turned to my wife, and started talking to her in English. Kobra hollered back to the barista, and (in English) told him that my wife spoke Chinese. This should be evident by the fact that she was literally speaking Chinese with him. The guy took my wife's order, came back, and started talking to Kobra in English. Then she remembered, "Oh, yeah, ni keyi shuo zhongwen."

They then took off, speaking rapid-fire Chinese. As this entire scene unfolded, I didn't say a single word. Yes, that's right. The only actual person that is a native-born English speaker, didn't say a goddamn word. I just sat there, trying to understand how it was that three Chinese people were talking, and I could understand it. For a second, I actually thought I may have developed Chinese fluency. In case you are wondering, no. I have not.

This became apparent when they my wife and er friend started talking, and I thought they were discussing holidays, and they were actually talking about Kobra having a crush on some random dude. In case you didn't know (how would you?), Kobra identifies as homosexual. That also makes it odd, when he starts flirting with me in Chinese. I didn't understand what he was saying, of course, but I could gather when my wife grew fiercely protective of her man.

Moral of the Story: I am not fluent in Chinese, and I may or may not be able to strip others of their ability to speak the language. Arguably one of the least useful superpowers I could hope for.