Motherfucking China 5: Russian News Stations

I know, I know, I know, I KNOW!  I haven't written much lately. It's weird. You would think I could just whip a story out on a whim. As it turns out, no. No I cannot. See, what comes across as a random-ass story, or what comes across as me free-stylin' (hip-hop lingo), is actually something I spend time on. As the founder of Fucktosynthesis, I regret to say that I actually do give a few fucks, with regard to my content. All because of YOU. The readers. Assholes....making me care and shit.....anyway.

I WAS IN CHINA! And while I was in China, I had a phenomenal awakening to Communist media. First of all, did you know they have their own network? I didn't. I was flipping through stations, when it suddenly went from Chinese Spring Festival shows to fucking Russian News. It was weird as shit. First of all, it damn near snapped me out of knowing any Chinese. I heard, "Да, спасибо" and damn near forgot what I was saying.

That alone was not bad. What was bad, however, was that Russian News is EXACTLY what you expect it to be. It was almost all military in nature. I mean, it makes sense, because that's how I expect it would work: 

"And now with weather, Boris. Boris?"

"Thank you Alekcie. Today sky is grey with chance of bomb."

There was a piece about fucking rockets, and another on tanks. Evidently, Russia has decided to invest in some black tanks, and one green one. Evidently they decided that they wanted to be able to show a little bit of dirt, and that their lives are not as grey as previously perceived. Also, literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON was named Alekcie. Why? I am honestly asking. "Why hello, Alex, I'll take Communism for 500, please."

Fortunately there was  one story that was different. This one showed soldier riding reindeer around a track. And by track, I mean the small-ass pin that the reindeer were normally kept in. It was like they saw, or rather heard, about the movie Reindeer Games, and said, "You see, we also have reindeer game. Look at reindeer. Ours has best antler. Very big horn."

I don't know what is worse: the fact that I saw all of this, or the fact that I literally just realized that the voice in my head poking fun at Russians is the same that imitates fucking Donald Trump. On a side note, fuck that guy for all of his bullshit. Fucking pawn. 

Moral of the Story: I have more stories coming, and Russia's reindeer games are on point. Also, good for them for getting new colors.

Motherfucking China 3: Starbucks (Part 4)

This is the last of the Starbucks stories. With that said, DJ Khaled....

 

So I have shared about the best Starbucks coffee. I have shared about my wife and her friend. I have shared about possibly taking 10 years off the lives of patrons behind me in line. This is the last story, and it may be relatively short.

When I went to my first China Starbucks, I was also looking for something to eat. 'Lo and behold, I saw something that I could not wait to try: a "Mexican Turkey Tortilla". Yes, I was in China, and I had found a Mexican dish. I could not wait to give it a try. I was leery, but hopeful to see the Chinese take on Mexican food.

I ordered the dish, took it to the table, and readied myself. Now, I should have known better than to get my hopes up. First of all, China doesn't have Mexicans. Second of all, China is racist as shit. Now the racism has literally nothing to do with this story, but it is still noteworthy.

No, I should have been worried when the salsa looked like tomato sauce, and the cheese looked like mozzarella. And indeed, that's what they were. In fact, there was also a distinct taste of basil and oregano. And the tortilla was crispy and flat. Does this sound familiar? Because it should. It was a motherfucking PIZZA! Yes, that's right. Everything that China labels as "Mexican" food has a flavor profile for Italian food.

Now to be fair, the pizza was delicious. At the same time, it was pizza. I mean, surely someone, somewhere in China, traveled to a country with Mexican food, ate said Mexican food, and then returned to China. And how can they not replicate the flavor?! Chili powder and cumin. Those two flavors alone are closer than any of the "Mexican" foods that I tried in China.

Moral of the Story: I don't know who I am more pissed at. China, for thinking that Mexican food tastes like Italian, or America for not having pizza at Starbucks.

Motherfucking China 3: Starbucks (Part 3)

You didn't know there would be another one! Cue DJ Khaled ....

So toward the end of the trip, I had an unfortunate experience at Starbucks. Yes, I tarnished the place that I grew to love so dear. We were in Beijing, and my wife was preparing for a dinner with some fairly important people. I don't know how important they were, but they were enough so that she wanted to put on make-up. While my wife was applying make-up, I dipped into the nearby Starbucks.

Now I mentioned before, and if not then I will later, but China is streamlined as a sumbitch. Pretty much everything is paid through WeChat. You pull up your barcode, or they pull up theirs, one scans the other and suddenly everything is paid. Now that is all well and good, unless you are an American and do not have a Chinese bank account. Enter: Me.

When I went to Starbucks, I tried to order my favorite nitro-cold brew coffee. Now first, imagine trying to order something in English. I walked up to the register, and the barista looked at me with genuine confusion. I could tell, she was thinking, "Who is this white motherfucker, and how did he get here?" This was then compounded by fear, when I ordered the drink in English. I understand how to say, "ka fei" to convey coffee, but I cannot say "nitro-cold brew" in Chinese.

The woman looked lost, so I pointed at the menu item. That alone, though awkward, was not the bad part. The bad part was when I needed to pay. In a country that everyone scans their phones and pays within seconds, I had to pull out paper currency. Everybody knows that experience of being in line, when someone is painstakingly slow, and you almost want to jump out of line to help them along. I was that slow person. I could literally feel the blood-pressure of the 20 people behind me max out. They were all so uncomfortable. It didn't help that I was looking for several coins, which conveniently got lost in the folds of the bills.

Once I finally managed to get the money together, it took the barista a hot-minute to understand what was happening. Her eyes were already bulging from the experience of helping an American, but suddenly she had to start counting this weird paper...with Chairman Mao's face on it.....and calculate change.....

Now, ideally, this would have been the end of my story. Alas, it is not. When I get through the line, I try to connect to the Starbucks WiFi. I didn't have a Chinese phone or SIM card, of course, so I was trying to ask the barista for the Password. Now first, the barista's name card said "The Hulk". That is fucking badass. Two, the barista tried to tell me something quickly in Chinese. I don't know what about my blonde-hair-blue-eyed-dumbfounded face said, "Yes, I know Chinese", but I did not know what the shit he was saying.

Suddenly some other guy comes up and says, "you need to enter your phone number." Now again, what about my blonde-hair-blue-eyed-English-speaking-clearly-American self suggests that I have a goddamn Chinese phone or SIM card? I mean, seriously? If I had a fucking Chinese phone number, I wouldn't be fucking asking for a Password, would I? They don't even sell my phone model in China, let alone give me a number for it. The last time I had tried to turn on the signal, Verizon was like, "whoah-ho-ho, you must be lost". And you think I can enter my number, and receive a text with the Password?! I really wanted to turn around and say, "Bro, look at me." It was another white guy, with an American accent. He should have known better. As it was, my wife showed up and we had to get ready to leave.

Moral of the Story: I evidently a Chinese SIM card to access Starbucks WiFi. Also, I may have single-handedly caused an aneurysm for 15-20 people in Beijing.