Hello! This is where I'm posting my thoughts and experiences about things....all the things. I will be sharing the random thoughts that pop into my head. Some are deep, some are dumb. It's up to others to figure out which is which.
I want to share a story of my friend. For the purpose of this story, I will call him Craig. Now understand that Craig is a great engineer. And like most engineers I know, he drinks. A lot. But that's okay. Craig is that friend that, when he drinks, he will buy shots for everyone. Then he turns into that slightly aggressive friend, that you don't know if he's going to punch you, or kiss you. After a while, Craig reaches the "fuckitall" stage, and he's open to doing anything.
Now as you might have guessed, Craig's body reflects his lifestyle. My wife loved it. She has a weird love for the jelly-belly. Every time she saw Craig, she would run up, rub his belly, and say, "Soft..." in an affectionate tone. That was until Craig decided to lose weight. He went into ketosis, which means negligible carbs. As a result, he has lost A LOT of weight. This did not set well with my wife.
One night, a month ago, we were all hanging out at game-night. (Yes, we have a night dedicated to board games. Fuck you, don't judge. Drunk board games get intense.). We're at game night, and suddenly my wife turns to Craig and says, "Why?! Why would you get rid of your belly? Your belly has been with you for almost 30 years, and you get rid of it? Without your belly, you're not even Craig anymore......I'm going to call you 'Todd' now....are you happy?...". After a lot of laughing, and a spilled drink or two, "Todd" hugged my wife and apologized. He said that the belly was going to continue going away. My wife's response, "Fuck you, Todd.".
I've spent my entire day, trying to figure out what I would write and share with the world. I'm new to this whole thing, and I often like to minimize my digital footprint to being things of value, things of humor, or dinosaurs. On a personal note, I look forward to the day that I can ride a Velociraptor to work. It will be great. The wind in my hair, and free parking. "Two Hour Parking". Please. If there's a velociraptor in the parking space, I guarantee he's going to stay there. What are you going to do, tow it? No. He'll eat you. And then you become the fossil fuel. That's called irony. But I digress. I know that riding dinosaurs to work is at least a few years away. But soon.....
On the subject of riding ancient beasts, I have a recurring daydream of global domination. I would normally keep these plans hush-hush (shhh...) but I feel like this one is safe to share. My goal, if I were to ever have one, is to take over the world via endangered species. Imagine it:
You're skating down the sidewalk, looking to stop by the local soda shop to get that can of pop, and suddenly you hear a rumble. Off in the distance, you see an army of camels charging toward you, in full chain mail. Suddenly, you realize that there are at least two to three Chimpanzees on each camel, wielding tridents! (I was going to go with the Bonobo, but they can't seem to keep it in their fur). What do you do? That's right, you do nothing. Why? Because it's a crime to kill endangered animals. Suddenly you would have PETA on your ass, the vegans would have peace riots, and everyone is eating tofu. And nobody wants that. So you stand there, and you watch as the Chimpamel units (Chimpanzee + Camel = Chimpamel) take over the local soda shop and drink all the cream soda.
The camels leave, you go home, turn on the news, and you see that Chimpamels have taken over the White House. The military couldn't kill them, because the government didn't want to be responsible for making the camels go extinct. Trump is out, yelling for the camels to go back to Egypt, and Clinton is talking about being the chimpanzee equivalent of an abuela. A Chimpuela. There's only one problem, and that is that the monkeys and the camels can't articulate. They know sign language, but camel feet are awkward and they always end up mixing messages. I then would use Morse code to direct the Chimpamels to do my bidding. First order of business, build El Chubby's in TN.
And really, that's what matters. Getting El Chubby's to open in E. TN.
Alright. It is no secret that I am married, and that I adore my wife. It should be noted, however, that I will be meeting my Father-In-Law for the first time in just over a week. How can this be?! Simple, the man is in China. I met him once, technically, on FaceTime. This was when I first started to date his daughter. The man did not acknowledge my presence. I mean, legitimately ignored me. I get it. I'm the Western White Devil that stole his daughter's heart. But after a year of marriage, the man has to crack. A lot of people think I am lying, when I say that my father-in-law is not fond of me. To lay those doubts to rest, I would like to share a story. This was what my Father-In-Law told my Mother-In-Law, who told my wife, who translated to me. My Father-In-Law described me as thus:
You know how it is when you're driving down the road, and your car starts running low on gas? Suddenly you see a gas station on the side of the road, and you decide to stop. You take the opportunity to fill your car and think, "Man, I could sure use a beer." So you go into the gas station, and you look at the beer selection. Sure enough, they have Bud Light. You really want that Bud Light, so you grab it and pay for the beer and gas.
Later on, you are back, driving down the road. You are listening to your favorite songs, and think, "I'll have that beer now." You crack open the beer, excited for your Bud Light, and take a long, hard pull off it. And what happens? You find out that you ended up with a PBR, instead. So you're sitting there, driving down the road, looking at the beer in your hand, and you think, "...huh...". After all, you wanted a beer.....and you have one.....but it's not quite what you wanted. You were excited for the Bud Light, and instead have a PBR. You've already opened it....so you can't really take it back. And so you got what you want.....sorta. And you might as well enjoy the PBR....because that's what you're stuck with.
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That is the story that my wife shared with me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is PBR.
I would like to preface this by saying that I recognize that everyone experiences failure in different ways, and that failing at a certain activity or objective may have different significance to different people. I also want to say that, while this is centered around my experience in a PhD program, I think it may have value for anyone pursuing an ambitious goal, professional or otherwise.
This is something that has been on my mind for longer than I care to admit. In reality, I have been struggling with this topic for well over a year. Before I discuss too much further, I would like to provide an Origin Story. In 2011, I started working to earn a PhD in Environmental Engineering. I had just graduated with my B.S., and I was ready to earn that fancy hat. After working for three years, putting in countless hours of field work, lab work, and classwork, I was finally ready to take my qualifying exam and proposal defense. For those who don't know, a PhD usually requires three major benchmarks. One is a qualifying exam. This can be a comprehensive test over your graduate studies, it can be a mock grant proposal, or it can be something else that the department decides. Then you give an oral proposal defense. During this time, you present your research, proposed plans, and expected outcomes. The PhD Committee, usually comprised of 4-5 professors/experts, then question you over the research. If you answer the questions well enough, and you make the necessary changes to your proposal, you pass the first defense. Once you get through that step, all you have to do is write the Dissertation. I know it sounds silly, "You just have to write that little dissertation proving new science", but the dissertation really is easier than the proposal. Assuming the committee accepts your dissertation, you earn your PhD and become an expert in your field.
Having explained the process, I would like to discuss the mindset that I took into the exam and defense, which was that of absolute victory. We often hear of athletes sacrificing everything to become the best. This mindset is coupled with strict discipline, relentless work ethic, and refusal to accept failure. You hear of Michael Phelps, who would swim for 8 hours a day to prepare for the Olympics. You have the great basketball players, who practice their free-throws and layups until it is impossible for them to get it wrong. Very few people are willing, or able, to commit themselves 100% to their purpose. Doing so requires the ability to turn down friends, turn down family, and maintaining 100% focus.
In the pursuit of my PhD, particularly when I started preparing for the exam and Proposal Defense, I achieved this status. The weeks leading up to the exam, which came before the proposal, I became like a machine. Come test week, I became even more regimented. I started partitioning bottles of water, mixed with Instant Coffee, so that I knew exactly when to take my caffeine drips. The exam was take home, with each Committee member (4 total) giving their questions on a different day. Each day I woke up, trained for exactly one hour, went home, showered, and worked on the exam for approximately 12 hours. I would take five minute breaks to shovel food in my mouth, chug coffee, and get back to work.
The following week, I prepared for the Proposal Defense. I reviewed my PowerPoint countless times. I memorized my research proposal. Before going into the presentation, I listened to my "Pump Up" music. You know, that song or two that gets you motivated to conquer the world. I went in, my committee sat down, and I began presenting my research. It took less than five minutes before the committee shredded it to pieces. I committed 100%, and I failed. That was in October, 2014. By May 2015, my funding was cut and I had to settle for an M.S. degree.
The reason why I want to discuss this is because Failure sucks. I mean, it sucks hard. And not in the good way. Many people experience failure, but few have experienced that feeling when you dedicate EVERYTHING to a goal and come up short. Not only did I fail, but I was put in a position where I could not "pick myself up" and try again. What makes it worse, is that such a failure can taint other success. You will notice that I settled for the M.S. degree. Earning a graduate degree of any sort is something to be proud of. But after dedicating so much time and energy, and sacrificing so much of my personal sanity, the M.S. was a consolation prize. Something that I should have been proud of was made less, simply because I came so close to achieving more.
What people also forget to mention is that the failure will haunt you. It has taken a year and half for me to be moderately "okay" with not having a PhD. I realize, intellectually, that it is better for me to not have the PhD. Professionally, I received exponentially more interviews and job offers with my MS. Personality-wise, I realize that I am not suited for a PhD. That degrees requires a level of care and passion to focus on a single, minuscule detail, and turn it into a new piece of science. I am not that person. I do not care about the cause of a single, minute detail. I care about how that minute detail relates to the real world, finding real solutions, to real problems. Intellectually, I recognize and can appreciate that I am not best suited for the PhD.
Personally, my life became much better after that failure. Three days later, I met the love of my life. We had a blind-date, dated online, had a first date, and next thing you know I am coming up on a one-year anniversary. That online dating period was for 10 days, during which time I traveled to Kansas City and secured the first two contracts for my personal engineering company (leave a message, if you have any needs for a consultant engineer). Since finishing my graduate studies, I became a personal trainer and got a permanent position in environmental compliance. Even better, my permanent job doesn't conflict with my company, or my personal training (message if you have need for a personal trainer). Shameless plugs aside, I recognize where I am truly living the dream.
Even so, I find myself wondering what I could have done to be better. What I could have done to succeed. Did I need more support from my adviser (yes!)? Did I need to work harder (how?!)? And that is the crux of it. With my wife completing her PhD, I am able to see where I was not meant for that degree. I see where I have the capacity for the title, but not the personality. Even as I write this, however, I realize that I am trying to justify my own ability. I am trying to convince myself that my failure was somehow out of control.
And so then the question is, how do I push past that moment. How do I move on from that failure. One answer is that I focus on what I have. I have a wonderful wife, a tolerable cat, a beautiful home, a steady job, two passionate side ventures (seriously, let me know if you need an engineer or personal trainer), and a good life. I also cope by listening to the YouTube video that puts "What's Up" by Four Non Blondes to He-Man for 10 Hours straight. But semi-joking aside, I am not sure how/when I will come to terms with failing at my objective.
So that's it. I shared this because I have been needing to get it out of my head. I know there are others out there that get their PhD and have an easy time of it. There are some that set the bar high, and hurdle it like a champ. For those that do, great job! I don't know if anyone will actually read all of this. For those that do, and that are currently struggling, do NOT quit. You are in the middle of the suck, but it will get easier. For those that are going through the same type of situation that I have been, at least we are not alone.
For anyone reading this, thinking "Should I get my PhD?", please read the link below:
I am not trying to talk anyone out of trying to achieve a professional level degree. On the contrary, I think the greater the goal, regardless of goal, is always for the better. And while I may be struggling with my own shortcomings, I learned more and grew more as a PhD student than I ever would have expected. And in case anyone was curious, I have a link to the YouTube video:
The other day, I was helping my wife with a lot of data manipulation and calculation. I don't mean to brag, but I got my Excel game on lock. I mean, if spreadsheet and data manipulation were related to pimping, then I would be everyone's pick for bottom bitch. And for those that don't know, the bottom bitch is the one that is the most reliable and is always the best, most loyal. Never mind that I just equated myself to being a prostitute. The point of the story, is that I know my Excel.
Anyway, I spent the entire day working on data and getting the data organized in a way that my wife could write it up. Towards the middle of the day, my wife starts playing pop music on her computer. No problem. I was 7 Years Old once, too. It was a good year. I got a toy for my birthday, I was happy. Anyway, we're working and listening to music.
My wife is thanking me profusely for putting my skills towards helping her with her work. Next thing I know, I'm listening to a song about how this woman (the singer) has always had the Savior, and the Savior has always taken care of her. I turn to my wife and ask her if she sees the irony in playing a song about a Savior, while her Jewish husband is helping her with her project. I didn't know if I was supposed to start serving crackers and wine, or what.
Anyway, we laughed, changed the song, and kept working. It turns out that if you listen to YouTube pop music long enough, you get into some Spanish pop, and eventually run out of music. We just broke the YouTube, I guess. Towards the end, I finished the data and showed my wife what she now had to work with. She started showering me with gratitude. Next thing I know, my wife digs in her purse, pulls out approximately $900 dollars, and starts making it rain on my face....
I learned a lot about myself in that moment. One, I learned that my wife had $900. I didn't know that, so she's paying for date night next week. Two, I learned exactly why people become strippers and prostitutes. It feels great to have money thrown in your face. I mean, talk about a money shot. I wasn't even mad about the fact that I spent my day working on data, or the fact that I inadvertently carried out a Jewish stereotype.
Moral of the story: if there is something you are willing to do, and it results in $900 being thrown in your face, make sure your wife pays for the next date night.
This is my first official blog post, from my first official blog. I feel like this is something that deserves an earth-shattering message or image. Not literally earth-shattering, but...you know....important.
