Baby Daddy 43: Eating, Bathing, and Inappropriate Humor

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?! Another story in the same month!?! I KNOW!!!!! Shit's crazy, yo! SO what am I going to talk about? What else, but my son? I actually have a list of stories that I want to share, and I need to get through these before I forget and they lose their luster. So what am I talking about on this one? I am talking about my baby boy. Beast Boy, King of the East, boy. And what about him? A whole mess of random shit. Nothing about poo, though, so you're welcome.

And how best to start than to say that baby food is disgusting. I know I mentioned in an earlier post that Saba and Savta have ruined my son for baby food. I understand it, though. The other day, I decided to try the food, to see why he wouldn't eat it. Now if you don't remember, my son will take the spoon-full of food, and then swallow his fist in an attempt to scrape it from his mouth and throat, and spit the food out. Now, I thought he was just exaggerating. I was wrong.

When I took a small bite, I proceeded to swallow my fingers (as much as I can), and claw that shit out of my mouth. I then licked a napkin and drank liquor to burn the taste. And the issue is not necessarily the flavor, but the lack thereof. Imagine eating a tasteless slop. That's what it is. I understand, now. I also think it is interesting that my wife ate oranges and halos, almost exclusively, during her pregnancy, and now my son eats almost exclusively oranges and halos.

I will say though, he does like baby turkey sausage. The only problem is that my son is lacking teeth on the op of his mouth. As a result, he ends up scraping the outer casing on bottom, and leaves the top, making each bite look like a botched circumcision. I told my wife about that, and she pretty much quit feeding him the sausage. That's a lie. He still eats that and now eats fish sticks. Gobbles that shit up.

Speaking of penises, I would like to discuss bed time. The other day, my wife and I used charades to describe putting our son to bed. I don't know how, but everything took a wrong turn. What started as feeding and bathing turned into digging and smothering. By the time it was done, I think my wife was in the Bahamas, I was in a grave, and the child mysteriously vanished. But fear not!! That did not actually happen. I don't have enough life insurance to make it worth the hassle. Ha!

But as we got our son ready for bed, we discovered that he is in an awkward pubescent state. If you look at it, he is growing quickly. He is eating a fuck-tonne of food. He is learning and developing intellectually. And he is getting awkward erections. Yes, I said it. When we bath our son, we obviously make sure that he is clean. When it comes to making sure that his tushy and nether regions are clean, our son starts getting a very awkward smile. Next thing you know, his little pee-pee is awkwardly firm. I mean, it isn't as bad as a teenage boy, but it is definitely noticeable.

And so there you go. That's it.

Moral of the Story: My son has discerning taste, and is in an awkward pubescent stage. Oh, and I have a fucked up sense of humor.

Baby Daddy 42: The Father's Code

So the funny thing, when I wrote my last story, I had no intention of writing that story. I just happened to slip into a random-ass rant. I originally wanted to write this story, about my kid and being a father. It is 2018, now, and I realized that fatherhood is fucking weird. And what makes it weirder is that only fathers understand. I mean, I used to see internet memes. I used to watch TV. I used enjoy things. Then I had a child. Now I don't. Ha! That's a joke. Not really.

But what I was going to say, is that I used to understand the theory behind parenthood and fatherhood humor. With that said, I never appreciated the accuracy of it. Example: Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW). A week or so ago, my wife and I met my folks at BWW. We're there, we're relaxing, and we realized that we forgot the baby at home, sleeping. That's a lie. But a funny one, right?! Ha! Not really....but ha!

But, I digress. While we are all spending time at BWW, I take a moment to visit the restroom. As I open the door, I hear a kid scream and see a father changing his son's diaper. The father starts to apologize, and I immediately laugh and cut him off. I tell him that I understand, and that I am just waiting for my kiddo to follow suit. The guy immediately starts laughing and says, "it is something else, isn't it?" I laugh and say, "Absolutely."

As I finish up, the kid starts doing this boneless death role that EVERY FUCKING KID KNOWS. If you didn't know why they have a strap on the baby changing station, it's because of older babies. Infants don't move. They can't. Once a kid can role, crawl, or run, however, you are officially fucked. The kid screams, the father says, "Calm down, Little Man!", and I comment about the fact that nobody likes to be tied up on their back....at least not at that age. The father laughs, and we go separate ways. At the end of the night, when I am leaving with the family, the guy hollers over, "I hope you get home before he goes!" I laugh and let him know that I will be breaking all traffic laws to insure we get home clean.

And that is the thing. A lot of people are going to read this and think, "Hahaha, that's kinda funny." And every mother is going to read this and think, "What's so special about that?" And every father is going to read this and say, "TRUTH!!!!" It is the weirdest fucking thing. And I will be walking down the street, holding the kid, and I see the difference. You see old people, fawning over the child because he is adorable. You see kids look at the child, and get excited about a potential playmate. Then you see people our age. And I can immediately tell who has kids. Those with kids will smile, nod, and they know. You see that look in their eye. It's the look of someone that has weathered a storm, or is preparing to. That storm? A shit storm. Because holy shit do babies poop!

Then you see the people our age that don't have kids. Half the women start fawning over the child, because their clock is ticking. The men have a look of fear - similar to a deer in the headlights. I was walking in a Walmart once, and I saw to guys stop by the condom aisle. That just so happens to be the same aisle as half the baby supplies. It's almost like Walmart is saying, "Hey, bruh! If you don't use this (prophylactic), you're going to need that (diapers)!" I saw the kids walk off, and I really wanted to go up and let them know that the exorbitant cost of the condoms was less than half the cost of the bulk item diapers and baby food I had in the cart.

Of course, as I chuckled and shook my head, another father walked by and said, "Those dumb motherfuckers."

Moral of the Story: Fatherhood is weird, and it's like a secret club. Literally anyone and everyone can witness it, but until you are in, you don't know. Oh, and those kids will likely contribute to the teen pregnancy epidemic.