Baby Daddy 10: What the Shit, China?

So I was trying to figure out what I would write, and I finally settled on another Baby Daddy story. Why? Because my wife and I had an ultrasound this week. Well she had it. I just watched. And this week we learned that our child is indeed a boy. That's right, my boy was chillin' in the womb, with a clearly visible penis. As a father, my first thought was, "Look at that dick! You see that? That's my boy!" Not gonna lie, it's a little weird being proud of my sons penis. But I am. I know that my family name will live on. My wife was gushing over the ultrasound. She has shown everyone the photos. Interestingly enough, she and her female friends/family are immediately infatuated by our boy's "little tip". You'd have thought is a was an object of scientific wonder. Like the origin of life, the presence of aliens, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. My mother-in-law even commented that, compared to the rest of the body, my son looks to be well-endowed. So that is why I embarked on another Baby Daddy story.

In other news, China is absolutely ridiculous. And by China, I mean my in-laws. My father-in-law, who was thinking about calling our son "Little Tiger" or "Fart Testicle", is now looking at a different name. He was talking to my mother-in-law, and asked if our boy should be called "Little Jaguar". Why? Because he thought jaguars were indigenous to America. That's right. My father-in-law, who had so much trouble with my being an American white boy, is looking to modify our child's nickname to be more accepting of American ancestry. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. It just seems random as fuck. My wife is completely against it. Why? Because calling someone "Jaguar" sounds a bit thuggish to her. And to be fair, it does sound a bit ghetto. And to be fair, I think it's absolutely awesome. Kid walks down the street, someone yells, "What up, Jag!!". Our son waves. That's it. That's the end of the hypothetical story. I think it's cool.

In other news, my wife's cousin-sister is earning a Master's in England. Why does this matter? Because she has finally found a man! Good for her, right? Wrong! She found a white guy! What's worse? He's old! He is more than 30 years older than her. Gross, right?! I mean damn. This guy may actually be older than her own father. Talk about fucked up daddy issues, right?! My wife first told me that and my first comment was, "Gross! His testicles are going to be hanging near his knees! He'll be able to play hacky-sack with his ball-ball." My wife did not appreciate the imagery. I'm guessing you don't either. Ha! Can't get it out of your mind, can you?! And that's why I'm going to hell. That's a lie. But that is why my wife says I am an asshole.

The whole situation is fantastic, though. Evidently my wife told her cousin-sister how great it was to date/marry white people. She did not do this, however, because she believed it. She told her cousin-sister this because she expected the cousin-sister to tell her aunt. Her aunt would tell my wife's parents, and that would help ease their stress over her marrying me. The only problem is that she is now dating some old, white guy. On a side note, my wife thinks that part of this is because the cousin-sister is nearing her thirties. Chinese people are fucked up, and assume that a woman is too old to marry when they turn 30. Because China. And because Communism.

Anyway, my wife started discussing this situation to her mother, my mother-in-law, who was not happy. I mean, shit was she pissed. It turns out that a huge age discrepancy is considered to be a terrible issue for Chinese. In fact, this was described as a tremendous hole, of which nobody can climb out. My mother-in-law said there were several holes that cannot be overcome. Age is one....terminal diseases are another........oh, and being black........oh yes, and being terribly ugly or misshapen.

Take a moment to let that sink in...


That's right. While it is bad to be white, Chinese people cannot tolerate dating someone who is old, dying, ugly, and/or black. Because racism. I, on the other hand, am endorsing this relationship. Why? because imagine how great the family reunions would be! Yes, I would be hated as an American, but I would not be the most hated. They would say, "Well at least he isn't as old as her parents." or "At least he isn't old as fuck. (relatively)" or "At least he's a Jew and can give her access to the secret society." This guy, however, would be hated. And what's better? I would have someone to talk to! With all my effort, I don't know shit in Chinese. At least with this guy, I could talk about something in English. Even better, he's a Brit! I could talk shit about how the US won the revolution! I could ask if he wants a spot o' tea. And when he says, "yes", I can tell him to get it from Boston Harbor. Because 'merica!

And so that's it. My father-in-law hates that I am American, but wants to call my son "Jaguar" to celebrate his American heritage. My cousin-sister in-law is dating an old guy because she thinks she is too old for people her own age. And my mother-in-law evidently thinks that ugly, old, dying, black people should never date.

Moral of the Story: Jaguar has a crazy ass family and I have hope of not being the most hated person to marry into it. Oh, I forgot. My wife's aunt (cousin-sister's mother) would vote for Trump because he's honest about being shitty, and because fuck it. She's not American, so it doesn't impact her.

I'm Back

Oh man have I sucked at updating this blog. I mean, seriously. You know it's bad when your mom calls and says, "Hey, I follow your blog. If you don't mind posting some shit, I would appreciate it." Now to be fair, I am paraphrasing. My mother was far more subtle, and far more polite with her comments. But I got the message.

So why haven't I posted? Because I am fucking busy! Between work, a side-job, building an empire, updating my training, and helping different people, I get tired. Last weekend, my relaxed day included taking a fucking exam for my Management Accounting class. Oh yeah, and I am getting a fucking Master's. From fucking Harvard. And you know what, I'm getting an A in that sumbitch. That's right, I'm rocking the shit out of Harvard. Did you lose respect for the school? Because I did. That's a lie, I didn't. But I realized that "Ivy League" only means that Batman needs some Benadryl. And yes, that was a punny allusion to Poison Ivy, Justice League, and a plug for Benadryl (SPONSOR ME!!).

I was going to post a picture of Batman having an allergic reaction to Poison Ivy, but a quick Google search revealed that there are a lot of inappropriate drawings of Batman and Poison Ivy (insert mandatory STD joke here). But I digress. What will I talk about? I don't know. I am particularly tired this morning, and so I need to collect my thoughts. Would you like to see how it goes? Here's a teaser of how I figure out what to write. Stream of Conscious: Trump, Clinton, debates, fuck politics, China, my wife, my in-laws, old people, old people dating young people, ew gross, reunions, ultrasounds, penis, game night friends, Hong Kong, Chinese radio, work, applications, essays, money, my wife's company, side-hustle, everyday I'm hustlin', everyday I'm shufflin', Thursday, coffee, sleepless in Seattle, blog, money, Krav Maga, Jacques, sunrise, weekend, Weeknd, cocaine, McCain, Politics, what the shit will I write about?!, Baby-Daddy, drugs, Netflix, nothingness, Nihilist Memes, that one guy that may have assaulted that one girl, that was a vague reference to a specific person that you don't know, back to Krav Maga, I got punched, I liked it, Is that weird?, How long will this stream on conscious last?, Streams, Islands in the Stream, That is what we are, signs of global warming, stupid people denying science, stupid people against vaccines, stupid people being stupid, stupid cat, kick the cat, cook the cat, cat stew, cat-man-do, catacombs, cocaine.

I had to cut myself off. So there you have it. Odds are high that I will post again with something related to something above. And now you know why I call this a Random Thought Generator. Oh, and fire-hydrants.

The "Oh Shit" Hug

I told you I would post!! What am I posting about though?! I don't know!! So fuck it, we are going to keep true to the blog name. First of all, I got hit in the head. That's right, you heard me. I was training Krav Maga, and the instructor "accidentally" punched me in the temple. Now I put quotations to suggest that the hit was not accidental, but I know it was. How do I know? Because he immediately gave me the "Oh Shit...." hug. You know that hug. It's the one you give when you accidentally knock the shit out of someone, and your first thought is "Oh Shit...". And what follows the ellipses?

(And yes, motherfucker, that "..." is called an ellipses. Just like the Oxford comma is the one that separates the precedes the word "and" in a list [x, y, and z]. And no, the Oxford comma is not optional. It clearly defines whether you are listing shit, or describing the first item in a list. {"I love my parents, Joseph and Mary." vs "I love my parents, Joseph, and Mary."}. And yes, I used multiple parenthetical statements within a parenthetical statement. Why? Because fuck you. That's why. Shut up, enjoy the punctuation, and keep reading. Also, who do you know with the parents of Joseph and Mary. Hint: A lot of people think he was an illegitimate child, which makes me wonder how pissed Joseph would have been. But I digress.)

Back to the "Oh Shit..." hug. That's the one that you give and you think "Oh Shit. Please don't kill me.", or "Oh Shit. Please don't die.", or "Oh Shit. Please don't sue me.", etc. And for those wondering, the first one is usually reserved for when someone fucks up with his/her respective partner, and they know that they are going to catch hell for it later. At that point, you skip going home, go to the store, buy that expensive shit that your partner has been eyeballing - you know what it is - and hope that the present will distract your partner from the hate that has formed in their heart, resulting from your fuck up. The "don't die" scenario comes from when you accidentally drop your child. And the "don't sue" scenario is when your Krav Maga instructor punches you in the side of the fucking head.

What was ironic about the instructor hitting me was that he was literally talking about how we were not going to actually hit each other. Being the good-natured asshole that I am, I then proceeded to guilt the fuck outta him. We got ready for a training/sparring exercise that I have started calling "Circle of Death". Basically you have everyone circle one person, and that person has to spar/defend against each person. When the instructor asked who wanted to take part, I flinched and said I was fine watching. After the class, the instructor came up and apologized again, profusely. I then left and went to Ahmed's place for a pumpkin carving and game night, and had a friend make sure that I didn't have a concussion. I do not have a concussion, by the way. To be fair, I've knocked the shit outta myself much more than that punch did. And to be fair, a full strength punch would have likely knocked me the fuck out.

Moral of the Story: I love Krav Maga and my head has a bruise.

Oh, Canada!

Holy shit, Canada!! What-the-fuck-aboot-it-eh! Why am I posting right now? Because Canada, the US, and Germany just lit my shit UP! I don't know how the fuck I am reaching everyone, or if it's real, and fuck it! I don't care. On the subject of Canada though, you got a bad-ass leader. Trudeau comes across as someone who actually knows his shit and tries to do his job. I don't know if that is real, or if our media is just biased, but goddamn is he cool. And let's be honest. Even if Trudeau is a fake, he sure knows how to work the shit out of the media. If only the rest of our leaders could be so forward thinking. And no, Trudeau is not Jewish. This is a picture from his first official meeting with Israeli PM Netanyahu.

Of course, we in the US are on the cusp of electing Trump. I suppose any leader will look good, compared to Trump. That's a lie. There's still Putin, Xi Jing Ping, and that crazy fucker in North Korea. So basically, Communism. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I got hits like a motherfucker from the Canadian brothers up north, the homeboys in Union, and the drinkers in Europe. I feel like Germany hasn't had this much interest in a Jew since V-E Day. And yes that was a WWII reference. And no, it was not too soon. And yes, I know Germany has taken tremendous leaps to try overcoming their dark history. And no, I am not trying to guilt Germany. And yes, I do want Germany to feel guilty enough to pay for my wife and I to take a honeymoon there. And no, I do not know what else to say on this string.

Moral of the Story: I want to relish this before my wife tells me that she posted a picture of her cat and got 1,000,000 views. Yes, that's right. Her cat get more views than many US celebrities. Because China....and cats.

I'll work to think of a good story worth sharing this week.